Last updated on January 29, 2016 | Follow @deanyeong on Twitter
Most of the time when couples broke up, they will find ways to understand why… This happens to almost everyone. Some will say I’m not good enough for him/her. Some think they should have to make more money or be more gentle. Some believe they should give their partners all.
But the answers and explanations are usually not true, or not exactly true. Yes, she might be happier to be with you if you have more money, but how sure you are about that? And do you think having more money will solve all the problem?
The same goes with those who might think you should give in to satisfy his sex desire even when you’re not up to that…
I learned about this last year when I was attending one of the Tony Robbins’ events in Singapore. During that time, we’re discussing the 6 core universal human needs in a business context.
To turn your regular customers to raving fans of your business, you should meet as many needs as possible. If you meet all 6 of their needs, there is a very very little possibility for you to get out of business.
And the 6 core needs are:
But actually, it does make a lot of sense when you place this 6 core human needs into the context of relationship – any kind of relationship.
But lets us focus on the romantic relationship – lovers, partner, couples, husband and wife.
First, certainty is about security. Regardless how adventurous someone is, or how much someone told you he/she prefers risks and challenges, we still NEED a certain level of security. The only difference between two is the level of certainty they need and the focus of certainty they need.
For example, A thinks having $100,000 in the bank account give him a sense of certainty and security but B needs only $1,000 to feel the same. Or C prefers to be very certain about their partner but D prefers to be very certain of their monthly income.
In a healthy relationship, certainty is very important. Try to understand what kind of security your partner needs and work on that, it might be the certainty of future living or the certainty of your loyalty. Work together to create a way to live together that meets both needs of certainty.
Then, variety – something to spark our life and make the moment interesting. As the human being, we all love to be surprised. After the foundation of certainty, we need something different from time to time to make our life interesting.
Businesses like Apple and Tesla did this very well with their innovation on technology. Fortunately, to create a sense of variety to your partner is not as complicated as designing the OS or building a new car.
Spend some time to be creative, to bring surprises from time to time. It can be a simple gift or a nice dinner. Or even a simple call will be good too!
The need for feeling special. Every human being believes they are special, even theoretically we’re all the same on the cellular level, we believe and we want to feel we are special. When comes to a relationship, this became much more important.
Make your partner feels special. Make him or she feels he or she is your only one, or special in any way. Give praises, appreciate his/her effort in the relationship, and never forget to accept praises and appreciate from him/her too. This make your partner feels special too!
As a human being, we all need bonding and caring from others. This is very obvious, we get into a relationship to feel love and connection. So, show it and deliver it. I believe by making sure you deliver the 3 core needs above, he/she will already feel your love and care.
To do more, connect with his/her friends and family, this will strengthen the connection between the relationship. And to have more understanding of each others’ background and circle of life.
Meet the 4 needs above, you will already have a quite good and happy relationship, but what’s more? To develop your relationship even further, you need to fulfill your partner’s need for growth.
This can come in various form. You can learn new stuff together with your partner, to grow and experience the moment together. Or you can teach each other something, to exchange your knowledge, to support each other in achieving his/her goals.
And never forget that sometimes, the growth does not come from us. There might be nothing both of you have equal interests in to learn and grow together, and you might have nothing to teach your partner. What now?
Allow him/she to grow by himself or herself. Most young couples can’t accept this because it seems like the relationship is going to fall apart when two are going in a different direction. It’s not. It’s very common to have the husband as a lawyer and the wife as a nurse.
It’s fine and it’s essential to allow your partner to grow on his/her own term. What you need to do it to support and encourage him/her by the side.
Accept the appreciation, the advice, the kindness, the effort, the care, and the love from your partner. It’s not a symbol of being weak. Sometimes, we feel bad when our partner did something for us. And without any reason, we get frustrated and angry about their action and effort.
This will only harm the relationship, it isn’t about being strong, it’s ignorance. The last core human need is the sense of contribution, everyone wants to feel they can do something for others. You and I love the feeling when we have done something beyond ourselves.
The same goes to a relationship. Imagine how you will feel if you had prepared your partner a lovely dinner and he/she love it… Are you feeling tired of preparing the dinner? Maybe yes, but are you feeling fulfilled? Hell yes!
Now, what if he/she did something for you, but you started to get angry and blame he/she for that? Not good at all right.
So, accept the contribution from your partner with thanks, appreciation, and love! This will only enhance your relationship more than you can imagine.
Now you might ask: “Are you telling me every human being in the world has only these 6 needs? If yes, why is everyone so different and complicated?”
First, yes. This is the 6 core universal human needs that I believe in (learned from Tony Robbins). But why we’re so different and complicated? It’s because we all have different beliefs, focus, and level of intensity for those needs.
Some might prefer income security as their need of certainty while some might prefer loyalty. Some might prioritize growth more than feeling significant. And some might have the rule we all think that doesn’t make sense – “to meet my need for variety, I want more than one partner at the same time”.
The conclusion is that to build a fulfilling and lasting relationship takes time, belief and commitment from both sides to work it out. And one more thing, focus on giving rather than receiving in any relationship, this is not a place for you to get, instead – give!